Change

Anyone who has ever walked into a dressing room only to discover that sizes which fit come in larger numbers understands exactly how I feel about change. Staring at the mirror in disbelief that life has altered is difficult, no matter how hard I try to shove my body into it. For those who can’t understand this feeling, consider pulling on a wet, cold bathing suit - - drunk. In other words, I don’t do well with change.

Big change is considering brown as the new neutral. It’s toning down big hair (just a little) and wearing sunscreen. It’s ordering tater tots instead of fries. Some of my friends thrive on change. Only a few weeks ago, I went to a hockey game with a friend who has been looking for a job. A few days later, I received an email inviting me to her going away dinner before she moves this SATURDAY to CHINA. I can’t even comprehend moving to another neighborhood, much less a foreign country, alone, and within the span of about 10 days.

Change is unsettling to me. When routines are altered, I feel like I’m flying on trapeze bars without safety nets. After the adrenaline ebbs, I fall in bed safe under flannel sheets pulled high around my neck well into the warmer days of spring.

Over the last few weeks, my routine altered plunging me into the chaos of change. During this same time, familiar people re-entered my life bringing along their human containers of bile and evil. I saw lying faces, that I still wanted to slap, hiding wicked hearts. I thought they could no longer touch me with their cold, wretched claws. I thought wrong.

But then again, I thought wrong. The time is different. I am different. Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I understand now that change doesn’t happen to me. I am slowly becoming the change I want to see. Regardless of leprous forms slinking towards me, I am not a bystander allowing random targets to invade a porous spirit. The mean ones have power only in their heads and while they are in there, they need to think again. They need to reconsider their places in this world, and it’s not anywhere near me.

While I may not choose to move to China in a heartbeat, my heart beats true, and I am fortified through the strength of others. I have friends encircling me and extending open arms as I learn to walk. I have the one who believes in me more than I believe in myself whispering soft words. Through his eyes, I can sometimes imagine wearing new brown shoes until night falls and then slipping under cool, crisp cotton sheets.